Clerks: The Cartoon Reverse for Hire
by Clyde
Summary: Ok, folks, after a three-day wait, you have your update. I started the second part in June, and finished it in October, so you'll notice the extreme differences in style. I hope you like the theme I took it in. UPDATED Read and review.
1. Business as usual?

Clerks: The Cartoon - Lesbians for Hire  
  
The following television show is entirely fictitious. Any similarity to the history of any person, living or dead, or any actual events is entirely coincidental and unintentional.  
  
Except where specifically noted otherwise in the cast and crew credits, all celebrity voices are impersonated and no celebrities have endorsed any aspect of this show.  
  
Number 6, your order is up.  
  
[Scene - Dante's room. The phone rings, and no one answers for a second. A hand reaches from above and answers the phone.]  
  
[Pan up to see Randal, dressed like Willy Wonka.]  
  
Randal: [floating in the air] AH! So you BURP to get down, then?  
  
[Opening credits]  
  
[Scene - Dante's kitchen, which strikingly resembles his room, but with no bed, and a coffee machine. The machine starts percolating and we see that the sun is rising through the window. Dante enters the shot a few seconds later, looking quite disheveled.]  
  
Dante: Why don't I ever get a day off?  
  
Randal: [emerging from behind the counter] You got me.  
  
Dante: [jumps a little] You have a home, you know.  
  
Randal: Not anymore, not ever since my mom found out you were gay. They threw me out, I suppose because they think your disorder is contagious or something.  
  
Dante: I am not gay!!  
  
Randal: Yeah, sure, whatever. I also wanted to borrow your car.  
  
Dante: [pouring him and Randal a cup of coffee] What for?  
  
Randal: I wanted to get to the video store early. [Dante gives him a "you liar" look.] Ok, FINE..I accidentally set part of the store on fire again.  
  
Dante: Well, I'm going to Quick Stop today anyway. Randal: Oh, great! [Tosses his keys to Dante] Clean up that mess for me.  
  
[A few minutes and an entire roll of duct tape later...]  
  
[We see Dante driving his car, looking pleased with himself. We pan out a bit, and see Randal, unconscious, duct taped to the roof of the car.]  
  
[Scene- inside the Quick Stop.]  
  
Dante: [writing on a clipboard as Randal comes to] I told you that chloroform would come in handy someday.  
  
Randal: Oh, yeah...[Flashback]  
  
[We see our Clerks in school, in Chemistry, mixing chemicals.]  
  
Dante: [Runs his hand through his mullet] Almost finished.  
  
Randal: [Looks the same as he does now, except he wears a shirt saying, "Hoverboards are the destroyers of Communism!"] Yeah, sure. [Flips through his porn mag] What are we making, anyway? A cure for your terminal homosexuality?  
  
Dante: For the last time, I am not gay!  
  
Randal: Alright, alright. That's the last you'll hear THAT from me.  
  
Dante: It's chloroform, so I can use it to knock people who try to push their own problems on me out!  
  
[Back to the future! ::rimshot::]  
  
Dante: Well, that was oddly specific of me. [Randal shrugs]  
  
[An attractive girl walks to the counter and starts making eyes at Dante.]  
  
Randal: Well, hello there..  
  
[A puff of red smoke, and the woman is a hard core lesbian. The lesbian leaves the store after paying for a porn mag.]  
  
Dante: How do you do that?  
  
Randal: Beats me. Maybe I'm a superhero!  
  
[Jay walks in.]  
  
Jay: Yo, Clerks, which one of you made Lunchbox's sister gay?  
  
[Randal raises his hand, looking proud of himself.]  
  
Jay: Good Job, dude. I thought I might've had to break up with her or something. [Hands Randal a fifty dollar bill.]  
  
Randal: Well, this plot line could be interesting for a while.  
  
[Fade to commercial.] 


	2. Look out, Sam Raimi!

[We fade back in from commercial to a shot of the Quick Stop, then we see a shot of Dante walking behind a short brick wall, wearing a yellow shirt, and his hair is oddly comic strip like. Piano jazz plays in the background. Get it yet? YOU MORON! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE CHARLIE BROWN!! I HATE YOU! I HOPE YOU DIE! ::pops a pill::]  
  
Dante: [walking up to a lemonade-stand like thing that reads "Lesbians for Hire".] Randal, why don't you go work at the video store? Working is good. Getting more money for a more effective lesbian shop, at least.  
  
Randal: [dressed like a magician] This is effective enough. This kid gave fifty cents to bring his mom to the dark side... good deal. I bought gum with it.  
  
Dante: You don't even register that there, do you?  
  
Randal: Register what? [cartoon thought bubble showing an old Mickey Mouse Cartoon.]  
  
Dante: [sighs] I have better things to do. [walks off, with the Charlie Brown music playing, to the Quick Stop]  
  
[As Dante enters the Quick Stop, and we angle away to Jay and Silent Bob outside of RST, acting somewhat odder than usual. Silent Bob's jacket is gone, and his beard is gone. I know. His beard is gone.]  
  
Jay: Lunchbox, you seem different today.  
  
Silent Bob: Well, aren't YOU cute.  
  
Jay: Oh, man, that's so gay.  
  
Silent Bob: I am gay, Jay. [Dark music plays, because Silent Bob said more than one thing. Silent Bob begins to foam pink out the mouth.]  
  
Jay: Spooky. [We see the cartoon's film break at this point, and Randal walks into the light of scene, Jay's face disappearing.  
  
Randal: Little did I know that my lesbian power was infectious. Silent Bob's sister gave old Bob the gays. And we had to figure this out for ourselves.  
  
[Music does a slow start, and we're inside the Quick Stop. Dante is writing on a pad, just so we can make him do something while the plot thickens. We can see the window clearly behind him, and all the people in the background are foaming pink, or are backing away nervously from the pink people. I love stereotypes.]  
  
Dante: [Hears a noise] It's unusually quiet today. [The bell hanging on the door rings, a couple seconds later, a customer puts some stuff up on the counter, and Dante rings him up. We don't see the customer.] Thanks, come again.  
  
[The angle shifts to see Leonardo Leonardo, foaming pink.]  
  
L.L: Oh, I'll be back for you, sugar. [Dante screams and runs out of the Quick Stop.]  
  
[We're back at the Lesbian Stand, and Randal is lying back, and is quite comfortable.]  
  
Dante: Is there a virus going around or something?  
  
Randal: No. Look who's lying about a virus now. [Sips from a soda as Plug walks to Randal, clutching an unconscious L.L]  
  
Plug: Please, help Leonardo! He's caught the plague! If any of my life support systems can help -  
  
Randal: HAH! I got you, robot! [He tackles Plug, and there's a off-screen cartoon scuffle, as Dante looks on.]  
  
[Plug has seemed to beaten him up pretty good, and tied his Inspector- Gadget like arms around him.]  
  
Plug: [Voice is lower, and his eyes are red.] Randal Graves, it is time to stop this. Randal: What the hell are you talking about? [Silent Bob and Steve-Dave walk to Randal, holding hands.]  
  
Randal: I always knew Steve-Dave was gay, but isn't Silent Bob married?  
  
Dante: Don't you get it yet!? The Lesbian service you started is beginning a gay planet, and if we don't do something, I just might --- [He falls on one knee, dark music playing, he rises] have to take you on a date, lovely. [Pink foam.]  
  
Randal: Wait, I thought Dante was already gay. Hmm. Well, let's see. [Plug lets him go.] Klaatu, verata, ni...oh, crap. What's the last word? [Plug smacks forehead.] Ah!  
  
[Angle changes to be more dynamic, with Randal in most of the shot. He raises his arms.]  
  
Randal: KLAATU..VERATA...NIC [coughs, and there's a tiny little puff of smoke comes from his hand, and he holds a porn magazine] God loves me.  
  
Plug: How do we stop this gayness?  
  
Randal: I dunno. Ask the old lady. [Old Lady walks up.]  
  
Old Lady: The only one who can stop it is the one who is immune from the homosexuality! [Dramatic]  
  
Dante: Who would be that lovely kid? [Fade to commercial.] 


End file.
